this is a sacred, ass-free zone
a series of unrelated drabbles that i was surprisingly sober while writing

Notes: I took drabble requests a few days ago. I've written about half of them; basically, the ones I had immediate ideas for. I will continue to work on the others, but I really need to start my fic for aificathon, so it might be a while before the rest of the requests get filled. For now, enjoy... this. In which there is MPREG, drag, tentacles, feathers, and the word 'fingering' way more times than I have ever written it previously (sober).

for wendy: "How about an outtake from your awesome Lance/Justin MPREG?"

( There's just no way he could be pregnant, even if it was like, medically possible or whatever. His voice is way too low for him to ever get knocked up. )

*

for mistresscurvy: "Drabble prompt: Adam/Kris, the outfit Adam is rocking above."

( Adam never watches him sleep and has yet to impregnate him with a half-vampire psychic super fetus capable of communicating from the womb, but still. )

*

for wutendeskind: "Adam/Kris - WATCHING PROJECT RUNWAY"

( You probably don't even know who Tim Gunn is. That's like, the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard. )

*

for cabayuki: "pickle, Adam/Kris or Adam/Cassidy; I'll let you decide ;)"

( Pirates get scurvy, right? Pirates are sexy. Therefore, pickles are the perfect food. )

*

for sylum_tru: "AJ/Nick: not necessarily pairing, but I want them to please be mocking JC and his failcatness (and possibly having heard The Cab sing and wonder how the lead singer sounds SO MUCH like JC) like seriously"

( BJ could probably produce a better song than the demo AJ just played them, and she can't boil water without lighting her hair on fire, so that's saying something. )

*

for moonmelody: "Adam/Brad, feather"

( He knows exactly what he wants and how to get it, and right now he wants to dress Adam up like the burliest anime school girl ever and film himself fucking Adam with a novelty tentacle-shaped strap-on, wearing nothing but Adam's black feather ruff and a Britney Pink wig. )

*

for buildyourwalls: "Give me a Brad/Adam when Brad realized he was madly in love with Adam."

( Brad Bell, Virgin Drama Geek, ceases to exist in the real world and can only be found on page one-ninety-eight of the 2004 Lake Highlands High yearbook. )

Happy birthday musicboxgirl, YOU FUCKING AWESOME AS FUCK BENCH!!!! Seriously, I don't know what I would do without Kary. She is awesome times a million and meeting her and going to NKOTB with her was SO GREAT, I can't even say. It was awesome. SHE'S awesome. I'm so happy I managed to drag her into American Idol because she's just one of my favorite people, and because YES.

It's also Mr Failcats himself's birthday, JC Chasez. In celebration of another year of new music growing his hair out JC managing to hold his job and hoping for some amazing Outfits over the next few months, I will a) write musicboxgirl anything she wants, doesn't have to have anything to do with JC. (Also because I'm listening to Single... MEMORIES!! God, this song is fucking awesome.) and b) enjoy a fun JC Gets Drunk post.



Remember the good old days? When they were both hot, and together, and they both had albums coming out, and then they performed a song about alien mpreg scorned!fakebabbydaddy at the Roseland?? Sigh.

( I never realized what a lush JC is. WOW. )

So here's the part where I admit that I couldn't write some of the prompts you all gave me. Mainly the crossover ones, which for some reason aren't gelling in my brain right now. But if it makes you feel any better, madame_d asked for Adam/JC porn in return for beta-ing 'Wizard Not Included' and I actually have an IDEA for it, so that will be forthcoming, whenever I actually sit down and write it.

But for now, enjoy these drabbles. Warnings: recreational drug use, alcohol, and my weak impression of Neil Lambert, whose awesomeness cannot be properly replicated.

01. coolwhipdiva asked for: "Kris/Adam, Slip & Slide"
( Aside from maybe going to church with Danny or fucking Joan Rivers, this is pretty much the last thing Adam wants to do. )

02. for wutendeskind: Adam/Kris - the night of Adam's (or Kris's) CD release party.
( He's like the slutty girl from Oklahoma who keeps going back to the guy who's no good for her, because apparently, Kris is just a girl who c'aint say no. )

03. iferion requested: "AI8 - Adam - cheerful like a cheerful thing"
( I hate to tell you this, but you cannot pull off a bikini, Lambert, and I seriously doubt your ability to convincingly show Western wear. )

04. _lisalisa_ asked: "Does a conversation between Adam and Neil count?" And I decided that it did.
( Hey, you big gay freak, it's me. Neil. Your awesome and insanely intelligent brother. )

05. leobrat requested: "Something JC/Chris-ish? Maybe? Set circa 2009?"
( Coffee is for closers. )

06. brighton_girl requested: "JuC...maybe a tease of your wedding planner or some happy/sappy stuff."
( Seekrit preview of Wedding AU fic. JC really would make an awesome cake artist. )

07. moonmelody requested: "Adam/Kris, shopping?"
( Plaid is officially banned. )

08. runzu requested: "Justin/Britney - Getting back to together (FO REALZ) 09"
( It's a brave new world, and Bitsy has to follow the rules. )

It's so weird that I feel like I have nothing to say. Instead, I think I will make a few confessions:

1. I totally googled "kris allen mount magazine" to see if I could find pictures of Kris at the monument I built on the high point in Arkansas when I was in AmeriCorps. ( See, here I am building the monument. ) And since I lived in Arkansas for six weeks, I know there is fuck all to do there, and I figured, maybe Kris had been to the monument. I'm so lame, omg. SO LAME.

2. Other boring places I have lived: Tallulah Falls, Georgia; Anniston, Alabama (most polluted city per capita in the WORLD, no lie); Decatur, Mississippi. Decatur, omg. Firstly, it was a dry county, and it was against Americorps regulations to transport alcohol in our government vehicle, so we couldn't even drive to the next county to buy booze. I could literally walk the entire town in 45 minutes. There was nothing there. NOTHING.

3. That last thing wasn't really a confession. Hmm, okay. Actual confession: I have considered trying to catch the Idols Live tour in Boston or Connecticut or Detroit because I'm going to miss the Dallas date, since I will be flying to Chicago that day. I don't think it's actually possible, financially or logistically, but OMG I WANT TO GO. I want to see Kris perform 'Hey Jude' and Adam perform 'Starlight' and David Bowie!

4. I am so over JC. I know what you're thinking. "Yeah, right, that's what she always says." This time, I mean it! I'm over him. Just as suddenly as I stopped caring about J2, popslash is like completely uninteresting to me. All I want to do is read Idol fic. I didn't even read any Dragon stories, and I only feel a tiny bit guilty about it.

5. There is this homeless guy who rides my bus home sometimes and he smells SO BAD. And I feel guilty for thinking that and for like, moving as far away from him as possible and wishing he'd take a different bus, but omg, he smells.

6. I'm afraid to walk in front of the Tower now that handguns and concealed weapons are allowed on campus :/

7. I think I am disturbingly obsessed with Cheeks. And even more disturbingly invested in the idea of Bradam getting back together. ( But I mean, can you blame me?? )

Last week I asked you guys to give me prompts involving Adam, Kris, or Adam/Kris. And then I wrote some stuff! So here they are.

Drabbles: All About Eve Adam
(and sometimes Kris, and once or maybe twice, JC, but mostly Adam)

Fandom: American Idol RPF
Pairings: Adam/Kris, Adam/JC, Adam/Drake, Kris/Cocktails, Peter Sarsgaard/The Entire World
Ratings: Adult

Warnings: Some of these suck, just FYI. And some of them are good. It's a crapshoot, really. Remember, in the poker game of life, women are the rake.

1. for gemmi999:
( There's only so much homoerotic French rock opera a guy can handle on one tour. )

2. for coolwhipdiva:
( Because I know you grew up in hickville and all, but civilized people jerk off in the shower where roommates can't hear them. )

3. for strippedhalo: ( Adam is like Peter Sarsgaard: he makes everyone gay. )

4. for musicboxgirl:
( After all, he loves to motorboat, so clearly, Lance is deluded. )

5. for prysmicdork:
( JC, I say this as someone who has drunkenly posted pictures of his ass on Twitter--you need to step away from the pot. It's making you retarded. )

6. for babyofthegroup:
( He's going to be a megastar. He should at least get to wake up to a nice good morning blowjob from his boyfriend. )

7. for lerah99:
( Well, we could always do 'Father Figure' but you know, I'm not really into the leather daddy scene. )

8. for wutendeskind:
( Kris hates sushi. Also? Bubble tea. )

9. for eruminator:
( Even if the original Greek olympians were all totally fucking each other, which somehow history seems to forget, but Adam spent a summer in the Troy fandom reading Achilles/Paris fic, so he knows the truth. The ancient Greeks were seriously into anal. Why do you think they wore those robe thingies? Easy access. )

for thearchpoet
( Kris is pretty sure that Adam wouldn't purposely expose Allison to gay porn. Like, 83% sure of that. )

Or something. JC Source has somehow managed to get a clip of a "new" song (who knows if it's really new, a demo for someone else, or WHAT). So here it is:

Better Than Love

It's not much and I can't tell if I will even like the entire song (god, I am so sick of mid-tempo songs about nothing), but it's SOMETHING which is more than the nothing of the past year and a half. Enjoy.

Secondly, I have a question! I am thinking of writing JuC wedding fic, in which JC is like, super super flaming and really wants a huge princess wedding, and Justin is like, political and thinks the wedding industrial complex is evil and blah blah. SO ANYWAY. I need to know what their jobs would be. I am probably going to set in Chicago, because it's the city I know best and there are locales to think of in wedding fic. And they need to have lots of money to HAVE the giant princess wedding. Any ideas? I keep striking out when I try to think of stuff, but it's kind of important so that I can start the story.

I have finally caught up on my flist. I think I have too many people and comms. I didn't get to check at all yesterday because I was so damned busy at work planning parties and shit, and so yes. Finally caught up. And now for a list:

1) Played racquetball yesterday. Even when he's only using his backhand, I STILL can't beat Matt. I did manage to make my ankle very very sore, though. Tendonitis. That might've been from running before racquetball, though. Who knows. My body is so fucked from all the various injuries I sustained as a child that I can't tell when I hurt myself anymore, as demonstrated by going to the doctor after a summer of my knee aching when I stood too long, only to find out I had somehow managed to obtain three cartilage tears without noticing. So, my ankle hurts, it's definitely the tendon, but I have been trained well to ignore pain. Therefor I will be taping it and carrying on with playing racquetball tomorrow. (Hush. I spent two weeks at a gymnastics camp icing my ankle inbetween 4-hour sessions instead of going to lunch, and if that didn't permanently damage me, I will probably be fine.)

2) Have been using The Daily Plate in an attempt to figure out why I am still gaining weight. Yes, STILL. I gained 5 pounds last week, and it did not go away with my period. I am now officially overweight. Ugh.

3) Forgot to watch Lost yesterday. Well, what actually happened was, I played racquetball and then we went to dinner with a few of Matt's law school friends and then there was some craziness going on at the Frank Erwin Center which meant traffic was utterly ridiculous and a 5-minute drive took us 20. So I didn't get home until 8pm and I remembered Idol was on and forgot about Lost. Sigh.

4) I did get to see Adam Lambert perform though. I think he might be the gayest Idol contestant yet. I like how he sang "Satisfaction" and managed to avoid singing the words "girly action."

( No seriously. Gayest. Ever. )

Also, hearing Randy Jackson say the words "Fallout Boy meets Edward Cullen meets My Chemical Romance" was probably the best and truest thing Randy has ever said, because those three things all have one thing in common with Adam Lambert: sparkly and gay.

5) Has anyone else read the A Great and Terrible Beauty trilogy? I am on the last one, and I have decided that the author watched Heavenly Creatures one too many times. I mean, the Realms are pretty much the Fourth World, but instead of freaky Clay People, there are ghost-zombie-monster-things.

6) Speaking of zombies, I've been told that zombies are the new vampires.

7) And Matt thinks it should be "live every week like it's sturgeon week." In my Oscar acceptance speech, I am supposed to say, "And thanks to Matt for teaching me the value of deception, and to live every week like it's sturgeon week." But also, he doesn't think Kate Winslet is attractive. So, he's crazy.

8) Can it be Friday yet? I want to sleep until next week.

9) Also, based on the pictures of JC from this week's taping of Dance Crew, I have decided that he is playing a secret game with himself in which each week, he impersonates a different alleged pervert. So far he's done Pee Wee Herman, Bob Eubanks, and this week it's Mr. Rogers. I am hoping next week he goes for an esoteric Lewis Carrol.

1) The good news is, it's not lupus! It's never lupus. I can say this, and I haven't even watched House yet. It's still downloading.

2) The bad news is, I think I have an idea for fic.

3) But it's BritC. And it's SERIOUS. And like, about mental illness and healing and all that shit.

4) Yeah, look, I DON'T KNOW. But it's an idea which is better than all the no ideas I've been having lately, so hush.

5) The worst news yet: I like a song by The Academy Is... and that is against every moral fiber of my being based on the pretension of having an ellipsis in their band name ALONE. Save me.

1) Just watched Dead and Gone. I am more convinced than ever that I no longer find Justin attractive. I mean, I still think he's hot when I watch NSYNC footage, and Justified stuff. But right around 2004-2005, he starts to lose his hotness for me. And now it's just gone (dead and gone, oooooh.) TI, on the other hand, is a scorcher. I wish he wasn't a felon. Because wow, he's hot.

2) JC looked pretty at the fashion show. I love the sweater. I kind of want it for myself. And I like the fact that the girl he was with looks old enough to drink legally, for once. But. I miss the JC who would wear bondage vests with plaid button-downs! I miss the crazy tuxedo shirts whose structures were inconceivable to the non-Chasez brain! I MISS MY FREAK. Where has he gone, and who is this Normal in his place?

3) Can I be Lance's drunk-ass assistant? I think that would be the best job ever.

4) Dear Shelfy-

Please put on some damn makeup. You spent all that money getting your lips done. At least make it worth your while. Also, learn how to dress. And act.

no love-
me.

5) I had a dream about lecksee last night, that she was late for a dinner with Ned Lamont. Yeah, I don't know! I don't even really know who Ned Lamont is, but she was late!

6) I tried to play Sims twice yesterday, only to be denied. First, my cat decided to stand on top of my plug and shut the whole computer off. THEN, my virus-checker pulled me out of the game to inform me of updates I didn't want, and the game was like, "No, I will not be moved from this blue screen, but I will play some annoying music." I am nearly done with my house, too. GRR. ARGH. My Lynn has cornrows! I WANT TO PLAAAAY.

7) Dollhouse was okay. Battlestar, on the other hand, was fucking AMAZING OMG. WHAT ARE YOUR THEORIES???

8) Racquetball today!!!

9) And I need it, because I somehow gained 5 pounds last week. WTF.

Doi has posted a letter danxsunday wrote to be posted after he died, and even if you didn't know Dan, you should go read it here because as usual, Dan says everything in the bluntest, best way possible. He had a gift for skipping all the bullshit and really getting at the heart of the matter, which is probably how he put up with me for the past five years. If you've ever wondered what the point of LiveJournal or fandom is... I think Dan really says it.

Secondly, did someone get me a subscription to Rolling Stone? Because I randomly got like 5 in the mail, including the Britney cover. Which I plan to cannibalize for my wall, because she is awesome. Do we know if she ended up at ABDC last night?

Thirdly, ( I think I find JC attractive again. Or maybe just in this picture, but. WOW. )

Fourthly, I have a strange bump behind my ear. It doesn't hurt, and it feels pretty hard when I touch it, not like a cyst. I don't know if that should worry me or not, but my doctor's appointment is next week, so I guess I'll figure it out then.

So tired. I would like for this day to be over now, please.

I cannot claim to be any good at making icons. However, brighton_girl pointed me towards the amazing icons of JC wearing Aretha Franklin's crazy bow hat at ONTD, and I decided I had to have some of my own!

They are not good, but I like them. Take, use, alter, enjoy, whatever. If you do something really funny with them, please let me know because I feel like they are MISSING something. Homeskillet.

I couldn't resist.



I feel like this should say: I IZ HAVING A COW NAO? Or something equally lolcatty. I'm no good at lolcats so I don't know, but. This is kind of priceless!

Bad news: he has raided Justin's closet for even more granny sweaters. (Or possibly Jessica's closet. Heh.)

Good news: NO HAIR CUT.

Survey says: GoodSync.

I saw this posted at the jjb and had to share, if only for this quote:

PW: Does that mean we might see a new J.C. CD in the coming months?
J.C.: I'm working on stuff, but every time I say I'm going to release a new CD, I get sidetracked and I feel terrible about that. But you'll definitely hear new music from me, whether it's in the form of singles or a new album. I'm tired of waiting.

Don't fuck with me, Chasez. I am in a scary, delicate place emotionally, so do not fuck with me. Because guess what? WE ARE TIRED OF WAITING, TOO.

*facepalm* He always does this to me. I say there is no hope. I believe there is no hope. And then he says shit like that. My brain can't even decide if it's happy about this statement or not. Because it's CHASEZ. And... and... it's like that Ani Difranco song. "and you are so lame / you always disappoint me / it's kinda like our running joke / but it's really not funny / i just want you to live up to / the image of you i create / i see you and i'm so unsatisfied." JC Chasez: the embodiment of the disappointing relationship. Sigh.

And yet there is a little part of me jumping up and down going, "OMGOMG HE IS TIRED OF WAITING OMGOMG WHAT DOES THIS MEEEAAAAAANNNNN?????"

Dear JC SuperFans-

I am doing you a favor by telling you this, even if it doesn't seem like it now: JC is not releasing an album. Ever. Again. Your eternally misguided optimism is making me crazy. Please to be stopping. It just makes you look a bit sad and pathetic, waiting on JC The Lametard of Failsville to actually do something worthwhile with his talent.

He's punishing us for making him a millionaire and expecting him to rip himself away from his Intervention marathons for the purpose of singing some damn songs once in a while. So anyway, PLEASE STOP. Abandon all hope, ye who enter Failsville.

no love-
Me



Dear Mr Kirkpatrick-

Please to be kicking JC's ass any day now. Not that I expect it to do any good, I just really think JC needs a good beating.

No, seriously.

xoxo-
Me

I don't care about JC's movies because he really is just a bad actor, but this picture delights me in so many ways:



JC. In a uniform. WITH FRED. Okay, I'm sure she's not FRED here, but still. This would only be better if JC were in uniform, with ILLYRIA, or however the fuck they spelled that. Fred was so much cooler when she was dead.

And! She was in the episode of SPN with the lake and the drowning people and the little boy. They saved her from her bathtub!

So many worlds colliding. BOOM.

12/15 — JC CHASEZ just walked in to the Equinox on The Strip in West Hollywood wearing a powder blue track suit that MUST be an early Christmas gift from Lance Bass. Otherwise, why? [Source].

My question: what is Equinox? And I have to wonder if it wasn't the same powder blue track suit he wore to the AIDS Ball thing.

Anyway, he left the cave! It's a victory for upfish!

Since it's Monday after a holiday and we're all dragging a little, I think, here's a list of happy things:

1) Tomorrow is BITSY DAY OMG!!!!

2) This weekend I am going to see Milk at the Alamo Drafthouse Ritz and I am very excited. Naked James Franco, Sean Penn and James Franco MAKING OUT. And probably I will cry. But you know, it's going to be great.

3) I found these videos on YouTube yesterday and OMFG they are hilarious.

#1: JC Explains Elevator Safety:



#2: JC Demonstrates How to Paint a Picture:



I don't know who the person is that made those videos, but they WIN AT LIFE. WIN. And when we get to the top of the elevator, we can have a party on the roof!

1) Am I the only one who really enjoys 'Mmm Papi'?

2) Does anyone still need Britney's new album??

3) I need to make some new Britney icons. Does anyone happen to have any of the new promo pics handy?

4) Nothing else to say. Oh, JC is made of fail. He never went to see Lance. FAIL, JC. I don't care how cute you looked on Sunday or that Justin said you were the smart one. Clearly Justin is delusional because you are made of FAAAAIIIIILLLLL.

5) People not made of fail: Bitsy, Lance, and RAHMBAMA.

Okay I lied. I didn't write anything down from Total Finale Live. However, I have a few things to say:

1) JC looked DAMN GOOD and for the first time in a long time, I found him attractive.

2) Seeing Justin and JC together again. *hearts* JC is the smart one! I KNOW BECAUSE JUSTIN TOLD ME. And Justin telling JC, "You look exactly the same!" (as he did during their first performance). I miss them already. *sniffs*

3) BACKSTREEEET!!! That was probably my favorite moment. Even though I knew it was pre-taped. Just seeing the crowd singing along, and even the people watching the clip outside in Times Square and in the studio... I was smiling the whole time, I'm not going to lie.

4) Howie looked fucking HOT AS FUCK OMG. How does he DO that? Sometimes he's just Howie, and kind of dorky and whatever. And then sometimes he's HOT HOWIE and I'm just all... *grabby hands*

5) Nick however... needs to gain weight? Weird! But true! He's looking a little too thin. They have such a great vibe together performing. And they sounded AMAZING and why didn't they come to Texas?? DAMN THEM. Not really. I heart them. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

6) BITSY. OMG BITSY. I kept watching after TRL ended because they started this thing about Britney and I am a sucker for anything Britney-related. Seriously, I don't know what it is about her. I've loved her since 1999. Since 'Sometimes.' I remember my sophmore year of college, I made dazifudo watch Britney Live from Hawaii with me and we had to keep messing with the antenna to get the picture to come in. And I didn't even LIKE pop music. I liked Nirvana and NIN. But I loved Britney. And I STILL love Britney.

7) I'm sure other stuff happened but those were the important parts for me. *sniffs* It's all over, folks. And I still can't believe they couldn't get Lance and Joey and Chris out there. I WANT MY BOYBAND BACK.